Five Annoying People You See at the Gym

Posted by Unknown on 7:04 AM

So, whether you live at the gym or are the occasional "I found two minutes of my life to be here" gym member, you all know these people.  Let's talk about them, shall we?

The following annoyances make me want to throw out an over-exaggerated, "please notice my distain" eye-roll...

1. If I am on the elliptical (and let's be honest, I'm on the elliptical, because at 28 and after two kids, the treadmill looks scary and involves too much movement for a woman only wearing one bra), and you decide to pony up next to me, you better not even think of starting the game where you keep looking over at my numbers to see if you're out-pacing me.  Go away, you.  I am here to burn off the Redbull and cinnamon toast I ate for breakfast, not compete with you in some Fitness19 race.  (Editor's note: If you really want to race, I'd totally be down for that and would meet you outside in five.)

2. Do NOT change the channel of the TV right in front of my machine to The Food Network.  What kind of sabotage is this??  While I'm trying to get my sweat on, do you really think I want to watch Paula Dean simmer some butter she's about to pour all over some fluffy, delicious, fresh-from-the-oven brea... ah, crap... I'm hungry again.

3. Do not decide you're going to "circuit train" by claiming possession of like five machines at the same time, hopping from one to the other after like a 30 second set, and then give me a dirty look when I try to use one.  Go away.  You suck.  We all pay like $15 a month to use the same sweaty machines and you're not training for Rio 2016.  **Unless you are... then, please accept my apologies and good luck!**

4. Hey Meat-head.  Yeah, you... with the head to shoulders, minus the neck situation going on.  Stop grunting like the next step may be an enema.  We get it... you lift heavy things and that's hard.  We all hear you, big guy.  I'm not into listening to you breathe like you're in labor (FYI: it's 14,714 times harder than lifting weights, but I digress).  I may be 28, but it's definitely an immature 28, and will surely try to catch the look of another gym-goer and we'll come to an agreement via telepathic eye roll that your sound effects, while definitely amusing, are just plain unnecessary.

and last, but maybe most important...

5. Oh, hey, random naked elderly woman walking around the locker room.  Gravity sucks, eh?  Glad your spending time at the gym and have killer self-confidence (maybe throw some my way), but if you could just roll those back up and hop into a pair of pants, that would be greeeeeeeeeat.


Where Have You Been All My Life?

Posted by Unknown on 8:03 AM

Ok, so... call me cool, or whatever, because Momma is bloggin'!  I decided to get all tech-y with my thoughts and share the inner workings of this thing I call a brain.  

First up... some random facts.  Interested?  K, cool.

1. I am single-handedly funding the college education of the Redbull company's top exec's children.

2. I can't eat fish.  Not because of the taste, but because my brain tells me it's gross.

3. I had an intervention with myself about my Oreo eating habit.  So far, I've relapsed 3 times.  Fingers crossed.

4. I'm fairly obsessed with Lester Holt & Brian Williams.  We're BFFs in fake life.

5. Seeing actresses in mascara commercials wear fake eyelashes makes me want to punch the screen.

6. I talk to other drivers when I drive.  "Whatcha doin' there, fella?" "Oh, having a little coffee this morning, are ya?" "Get off my road!"

7. Working at Valleyfair was the best job I've ever had... although, I gained a few teenage lbs. with all those pronto pups and mini donuts.  

8. I've wiped way too many behinds in the past few years.  And then I had kids.  He-yo!  Just kidding.  I've wiped my kid's butts.  I'm don't go chasing people with a bag of Charmin.

9. When I'm singing, my three-year-old yells at me to stop.  Peace out, dreams.

10. I despise sanctimonious mommies, or "sancti-mommies," more than stepping on a lego or on a plastic dinosaur's tiny hand. (Editor's note: Have you ever stepped on that crap? Holy ouch.)

11. Packing a diaper bag is an art-form.  

12. Awards should be given for feeding, bathing and keeping children alive on a daily basis.

13. My dog, Hank, makes me go from frustrated mess to loving creepy dog-owner in a span of minutes.

14. I will only have 14 items, because that's my favorite number and the number 15 gets too much cred.

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