Why You Drive Like That?

Posted by Unknown on 1:33 PM
Ok, so I have a pretty killer 18 mile commute to work every day.  It wouldn't be so bad if my options weren't Hwys 100, 169 or 494, but, alas, I have no choice but to take the same damn roads as 95% of Minnesotans at 7 a.m.  Driving this commute to and from work 10 times a week has made me develop a cute (not so cute) form of road rage.  I'm trying to work on that (no, I'm not).  I like to think of myself as a logical person, always very carefully outlining my next move, so it physically pains me to watch the people around me drive.  Pains me.

Let me describe these people to you, mmk?

1. The "I'm Obviously In a Bigger Rush Than You" Guy.  "Oh, that person must have woken up late or had a bad morning, let me just move over while in traffic to let them in..."  NO.  You will sit there like everyone else.  Calm down, sir.  Do you not think I got in my car to drive somewhere, too?  Just like you, I totally want to play leapfrog -- I don't enjoy sitting on the freeway, either, pal.  I'm not eager to get to work, I'm eager to not be surrounded by morons.  And, by the way, where are you going?

2. The "I Definitely Have Enough Room to Squeeze in Front of You" Guy.  Umm, no you don't.  If I have to slam on my brakes so as not to hit you, you did not have room.  Luckily, I've perfected my glare into their rear-view mirror.  We will make eye contact and you will feel shame.

3. The "I'm Going to Speed Up Every Time The Car in Front of Me Moves, Then Slam on My Brakes" Guy.  YOU SUCK.  Do you think that traffic directly ahead of you all of a sudden significantly sped up, while cars 1/2 mile in front of you are still at 5-10 mph?  Pay attention, my friend.  I do not want to be one with your bumper stickers and I'm definitely not in the mood to meet you today.

4. The "I'm Not Even Trying to Hide the Fact That I'm On My Phone" Guy.  Yeah, you may not care if you get into an accident today, but I'd like to live.  I mean... I'm not even down to 80% on my DVR yet.

5. The "I'm Going to Forcefully Make My Way in Front of You As My Lane Ends" Guy.  If Minnesotans understood how to "zipper merge," none of this crap would exist.  First, if you merge into the new lane early, sitting their for ages, you're an idiot.  Second, if you speed past me and try to wedge your car in front of me when I'm finally at the front, I hate you.  See Guy #1.   

6. The "I'm Not Going to Let You Into My Lane For No Reason Even Though You Politely Have Your Blinker On and Are Waiting Patiently" Guy.  Hey, a-hole, I need to get off at that next exit... could you please decide whether you want to speed up or slow down so I can share your lane?  Thanks.

7. The "I Refuse to Use My Blinker" Guy.  Woah, fella...  let me just veer off the road here because you decided to slam on your brakes and take a quick turny-turn.  Maybe it's the OCD in me, but I have a little habit of using my turn signals whenever I plan to do something.

8. The "Creepy Stares at You Every Time Your Cars Pass Each Other" Guy.  Don't make eye contact! Just remain cool and dream of a day where it's legal for all of your windows to be tinted black.  

9. The "Slam on Their Brakes When the Light Turns Yellow" Guy.  You've got to be kidding me, right?  That light had at least four of us making it to freedom.  This is where I watch the cars that made it to the other side in completely jealousy.  Lucky bastards.

10. Just Simply The Fact That Everyone Decides to Take My Roads.  There are perfectly good roads not being used.  You go there.  This one is now mine.  Thank you.

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